Tuesday, April 4, 2017

My Shit's Fucked Up But I Soldier On

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Okay, so I think I should bring everybody up to speed on my health issues. Before I do that I'd like to thank everybody on twitter for their condolences and well wishes. Ordinarily I don't talk about my health or mental problems on social media to avoid the exact thing that happened yesterday, but it was incredibly heartening to see how many people cared about what happened with my eyes. From Daddy Warpig, to @BrowningMachine, to Declan Finn, to all the other people who reached out to me yesterday. There are tears in my eyes as I type this, and I cannot thank you all enough for the concern you showed to some lowly internet drunk who runs off at the mouth far too much for his own good. You're good people, and I'm grateful to know you, in a limited capacity though it may be.

But to get the damn point here, I met with my eye specialist today, and there was good news and bad news. To get to the good news first because it'll take less time to explain, the lesions in my eyes have basically healed. There's no more fluid in them, and I shouldn't have to worry about my vision deteriorating any further. I'm basically good on that score. And here's where we get to the bad news.

Unfortunately, the lesions left some scar tissue inside my eyeballs. So, for the foreseeable future, it seems as if the distortion that I've had in my eyes is a permanent condition. The doctor wants to continue monitoring me, which I've agreed to, but according to him I'll always have some distortion in my vision. Now, there is a possibility that it will clear up eventually, but it's a slim chance according to my understanding of the situation, and another injection will not clear it up.

So basically, I have to nut up and fucking deal with it. This is apparently something that's going to be with me till the day I die, so the sooner I get the fuck over it and get on with what I need to get on with the better. I didn't wind up going blind, I just have some distortion in my vision. It makes it a bit hard to read, but other than that (and having to triple check my lane changes when I'm driving) it's not that big of a deal. The big deal comes in with the audiobooks.

Fortunately, word documents and kindle for pc allow the user to adjust the font size, so I can make the font bigger so that it will be harder to lose my place. Hopefully this will cut down on re-reading lines and having to start sentences over.

In any case, I'm not about to let this stop me.

Not by any means imaginable.

I have set a path for myself. I have confirmed that it is actually what I want to do with my life. And I will be damned; even moreso than I already am according to some; if I'm gonna let a little case of vision distortion stop me. I am the equal to this challenge. I will not let this handicap get in the way of my plans and dreams. I just have to make some adjustments to continue on as I have. And those adjustments I will make. Because I have to. This is the only career option with any level of sustainability that's open to me, and I will be god fucking damned if I'll become a leech on the government teat. I am an entrepreneur, I've put a lot of effort into becoming an entrepreneur, and if I'm able to continue in my entrepreneurial path then by all the angels in heaven, demons in hell, and men on earth I am going to do so.

So I intend to get back to work as soon as possible. Now that I know that I won't be stressing a medical condition and am just adjusting to a (so far as I know) now permanent condition, my path is clear. I just have to get back to work, man up, and deal with this shit. Which I will.

I'm not going to lie, it was frustrating and depressing dealing with this today. I'll tell ya, there's something to that whole body language thing. The whole day I've been walking around like a cobra with his hood up, and thankfully people were respectful of the aura I was giving off and didn't try to get too friendly or engage me in too much conversation. But like I said, it's not easy dealing with this. As I said previously, going blind is one of my biggest personal fears. This experience brought me un-fucking-comfortably close to how easy it is for that to happen. I felt like crying, screaming, day drinking, getting into a fight, and even lashing out at my friends. Though thankfully I was able to keep that last from happening. It's depressing, and it's made me very angry. Very angry. I don't think I can properly describe the feelings I've had since that meeting with the doctor yesterday morning. But Anger, Depression, and Futility were definitely there.

But these emotions are not my masters, they are simply justified feelings that I had after getting some very disturbing news. And I adjust to new conditions very fast, so I have no doubt that I'll be able to adjust to this. I just want to be up front and frank with you guys who have shown so much kindness with regard to my medical condition. Today I've been angry to the point of wanting to hit someone, I've been depressed to the point of wanting to crawl into a corner with a bottle and cry, I've even considered suicide.

Which is something you people who don't know me very well personally might not know. I am suicidal. Funny/not so funny story, I actually had a .38 revolver at one point, and I would get drunk and depressed, sit in my shed, unload it, and click it against my head, just to see what it felt like. Once I did this, and clicked it against my head several times. Enough to run through the whole cylinder. I want to stress that. I went through the entire cylinder with this cold iron pressed to my fucking temple. Then, I point it at the far wall near the floor (this was years ago, btw, just sayin this was not a recent event), pulled the trigger, and the fucking thing went off.

The crash was deafening.

I almost shat my pants. Now, I was never able to find the bullet hole, or the bullet itself. I don't even remember if, upon checking the cylinder, I found a casing in it. But what I do know is that fucking gun went off when I pointed it at the far wall and pulled the trigger. It scared the absolute fuck outta me, and I haven't had even a fake suicide attempt (like pointing an unloaded gun at my head and pulling the trigger to see what it felt like) since that day. Oh, I was still suicidal, but I never acted on it again, even in a play-acting scenario like what I described. I still had the suicidal thoughts, but after that I endeavored to master myself so that I didn't act on them in any fashion, even play-acting.

I bring this up to let you guys know where I'm at. I don't want any condolences, or "oh shit's", or anything like that.

What I want to impress upon you after telling you that is that ever since I got my day job and started devoting my spare time to my audio gig...

I haven't had a single suicidal thought.

Not one.

In an entire year I haven't even been actually depressed beyond your run of the mill, garden variety depression. Most of the past year has been insanely happy and wonderful. I've met many new people I'm proud to associate with and call friends, I've proven to myself that I can do this audio thing and narrate audiobooks for a living, and it's been an incredibly uplifting year. I've actually been happy, and it's such a new feeling that I scarcely know what to do with myself, apart from get the fuck back to work.

So, when I take this recent news from my doctor into the context of how the past year has run, it's really not so bad. I'm still feeling depressed and angry, but I recognize that those feelings are natural in this situation and I don't dwell on them. There's a lot to be said for Buddhist Mindfulness Meditation, as it's part of the reason I'm dealing with this as well as I am instead of just shooting myself in a fit of depression, anxiety, and hatred. I recognize these feelings, and I allow myself to feel them, work through them, get them out of my system, and come up with a plan on how to deal with this.

And I've done exactly that.

I have a plan going forward, and I intend to carry it out. As I said, I am the master of this challenge, and I will be god damned if I'll allow a little vision distortion to lay me low. My job is too important. My mission is too important. And as I said, it's not like I've gone blind. I'm just a little blurry. Which, thinking about how I've lived my life thus far, being blurry about physical vision is a bit of an apt metaphor for my approach to living.

So rest assured, I'm not stopping, I'm not suicidal, and I'm going to be right here as the same irascible, drunken, foul-mouthed asshole I've always been. I truly do appreciate all the well wishes I've received, and know that I love you all dearly. I just have one question...

When's it gonna stop raining, Lord?


  1. Hey Jim,

    Hang in there, man. You know we're all rooting for you.

  2. Like the man said, Hang in there. This isn't over yet, Mr. Fear.

  3. Thanks for confiding, Jim. You know we've got your back, brother.

  4. Sorry, I've been on a bit of an online hiatus so I'm late here. But I'm very happy to see you're still standing. That's what really counts.

    Keep on doing what you do.

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